Australia, Columns, Humour

Liar, liar, your pants are on fire!

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It’s local election time again in Queensland and politicians are out kissing babies, riding on tractors and planting trees.

In other words, they’re trying to pull the wool over our eyes. They are also resorting to smear campaigns, digging up every last little nugget they can to try and convince an embattled public that they are the more deserving candidate. It’s ugly out there.

And how out of touch they are. Exactly how short a memory do they think we have? When is Anna Bligh going to stop dining out on her tearful flood speech ie. “We are Queenslanders…” I’m sorry, but I just don’t buy it. I’ve witnessed her poisonous vitriol in parliament  – I tend to think people show their true colours under pressure and that, she did, going as far as suggesting her opponent, Campbell Newman was destined for jail on account of his business dealings.

Another thing, Anna, I ‘aks’ you with tears in my eyes … please learn how to say ask. You’ve had enough practise by now.

I get that politicians have to convince us of their prowess – of their strength in the case of adversity – of their ability to get the blinking job done, but kissing hapless babies? A word of advice: don’t do it if it doesn’t come naturally. We are not taken in by photo opportunistic poses. Babies are insightful little souls – few appear to actually enjoy the prospect of being kissed or hugged by a politician. They’re a bit like animals in that way, they see through the smarminess. They recognise authenticity.

And that’s a bit thin on the ground right now. Am I alone in glazing over when they start their policy talk, their coined phrases and empty promises of a better, brighter future for all “working families”.  Aren’t we all working families? Sorry, perhaps I’m cynical but the sad truth is, I don’t believe a word they are saying.

And while I’m on the subject of kissing, we also remain unmoved by great shows of public affection, Mr Newman. I love that you love your wife and family, but enough already! You can hold hands, just don’t smooch in public. Also, come clean on all your business dealings, please.

Perhaps I will go with the mad hatter, Katter after all … at least he has an honest interest in the farming community.

Personally, I remain unmoved by great shows of sensitivity, of earnest displays of affection, of teary speeches, of mine visits, of mingling with the crowds so to speak. Perhaps all the recent back stabbing within the Labour ranks has simply left a bitter taste in the mouth. Who to believe? Politicians speak with forked tongues – the past few weeks have proved that. What you see is not what you get. What they say is not what they’re thinking.

It will take a lot more than a tractor ride or another photo opportunity at a native tree planting ceremony to convince me anyone is a worthy candidate at all.

The Greens? Don’t like them either – dig a little deeper and you’ll find they’re not all about tree hugging and preserving the planet. They’re a little too conniving for my liking. Smarmy too.

Perhaps I will go with the mad hatter, Katter after all … at least he has an honest interest in the farming community.

But there again, he has been known for a touch of foot in mouth so there is still plenty of time for him do something downright irritating – and then, I suppose, it’s back to the drawing board, or is that ‘drawring’ board, Anna?